A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly. The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

"Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head". "Jesus Christ! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!" "Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
It's called "Abzorba the Leak."

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" "No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. One fag turned to the other and said, "See that stud there, Steve?" "Sure."

"Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!" "No shit?" Steve asked.

"Well, hardly any."

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?" The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base. The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn’t had to do for better than twenty years.

The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help.

He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can’t find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended.

He replied "The condom made of lamb intestine has a more natural feel."

I said "Not to us city boys."

If my father is Welsh and my mother is Hungarian what does that make me?

Well hung

One night a teenage girl brought her new boy-friend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?"

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old grandson.

In the middle of the night grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman, Fast!!"

The grandson moaned: "Please, grandpa, calm down." "First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour." "Second, you're 82 years old." "And third, it's my dick you're holding..."

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How? Answer:
An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones, that use Taiwanese-made chips, and a Korean-made monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked by Mexican illegals. . . . . That, my friend, is Globalization