Money may not be everything, but it sure keeps the kids writing to you!

One college kid wrote home, "Dear folks, I've been worried sick because I haven't heard from you.

Please send me a check so I'll know you're okay."

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box.

"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."

"And???" Bill asked.

"Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know - just give me something with diamonds in it'."

"So what did you get her?" asked Bill.

Doug replies, "I bought her a deck of cards!"

Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

At a party, a guy walks up to a stunning young woman and said, "Gentlemen prefer blondes."

Thinking to shake him, she replied, "I'm not really a blonde."

He said, "Good. I'm not really a gentleman."

The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened.

"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."

A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York.

She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.

He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?"

He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."

Have you ever wondered where the phrase "You gotta be shittin' me" came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country. Way back, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through the driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind blew, a big wave hit the boat and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead!"

They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired, wet, exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort. "

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have? "

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters".

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin me! "