There was a little boy in Kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher asked him what was wrong. He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots, "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," the boy shook his head. The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

It's an age-old truism.

Men will quickly fall asleep after having sex.
And I know why, too.
It's because they've been up half the night begging for it. written by a woman of course!!

According to a new survey about sex, 41 percent of people said they would consider having sex for money if the amount offered was large enough.

The average woman said the amount would have to be at least $100,000 and the average man said, "How much do you have on you?"

"Ninety percent of women say that a man's looks aren't important.

So if she can't stand you, you know it's your lousy personality."

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment.

Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best pproach. "Well, son," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into laughter.

"Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

A mother is walking with her five year-old son through the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The boy looks with amazement at the large beast and asks his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"
His mother replies "That's his trunk".
The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk."
The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail".
The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail."
The mother, wanting to avoid this subject all together, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit.

Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"
The dad replies, "That's his trunk."
"No, behind that!" says the kid.
"Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father.
"NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.
His dad replies, "Son, that's the elephant's penis."
The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing."
His father replied, "Son, that's because your mom's been spoiled."

Did you hear about the woman who shot her husband just for fun...
For the fun he'd been having with other women.

"My uncle got a vasectomy. Put it on MasterCard. Forgot to pay. The finance company came over and knocked up his wife."

President Bush says he is now working on a plan to destabilize the Cuban economy and drive it into huge deficits. He knows it works because he's been testing it here since the day he took office.

A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses.

"Happy anniversary mom and dad," gushed son number one...."Sorry I'm running late...didn't have time to get you a present."

"Not to worry," said dad. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you anything...sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "glad you can be here."

The daughter arrived. "Happy anniversary! I'm sorry but I've been out of town and didn't bring a present."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us Are together today."

During dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said, "Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell you. We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise you and send you to college. But we never got around to getting married."

The three kids gasped and said, in unison, "You mean we're BASTARDS?"

"Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones too."

A conscience does not prevent sin.
It only prevents you from enjoying it.

Do you know what happened in 1850?

California became a state. Back then, the state had no electricity, no money, there were gun fights in the middle of the streets, and almost everyone spoke Spanish. So it was just like California today.

Only back then the women had real tits.

Why don't witches wear panties?
So they can get a better grip on the broom!

One day a young man was visiting the fair. Over to one side was a small tent, with a sign that said "For 50 dollars I'll teach you to be a mind reader! - Apply within."

So the young man thought that he'd give it a go, and went inside. Behind a small table inside was an old man, who looked up when the young man entered and says, "Ah, you must be here for the mind reading lessons."

"Er, yes," the young man said.

"Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson."

Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and comes back with a hose. "Here, hold this hose," he said.

"Why?" said the young man.

"It's part of the lesson," replies the old man, "Now, look in the end and tell me what you see."

So the young man looks into the end of the hose, and only sees darkness.

"I don't see anything," he tells the old man.

Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots water into the young man's face.

"I just knew you'd do something like that." the young man shouts at the old man.

"There. You are now a mind reader!" the old man replies, "That'll be 50 dollars."

Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Ruger . 357 Magnum , and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

Does this poor fellow look like he will listen to a peaceful diplomatic solution?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Smith & Wesson have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:
BANG!

Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click. . . (sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think? "

Son: "Mom's right , Dad, I saw his finger twitch , too. "

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips? "

Advice to Men
Never marry a woman with big hands. It will make your dick look smaller.

What is black and white and rolls around in the sand?
An Ethiopian and a seagull fighting over a chip.

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.

The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!"

The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.

Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."

Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"