THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !
Live every day as if it were your last and some day you'll be right.
"In an exclusive interview the other night on ABC, Martha Stewart is quoted as saying,
'I don't know why people don't like me.' Fortunately for Martha, it wasn't a call-in show."
Happiness is like peeing your pants.
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
GRANDPA'S COUNTRY WISDOM
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Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt.
A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about happening, don't.
Lazy and Quarrelsome are ugly sisters.
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the
new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains
and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called "Pre-dick-a-mints."
What's the down side to a threesome?
You could disappoint two women instead of just one.
Alice was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps.
After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results.
"Mrs. Jones, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."
"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away.
When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her 78 year old husband, and yelled, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"
There was a long pause at the other end of the line.
Then a voice said, "And to whom am I speaking?"
"Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your girlfriend when she least expects it?" asked the older brother.
"Oh hell!" replied the younger sibling with the swollen eye. I thought you said 'where'."
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home.
One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered.
"If you smile, put them back."
Take the test...then come out of the closet!
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1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach,
you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer
with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time
doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is
like a dog, but gay-it grooms itself constantly but never
scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses
its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how
you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass
over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun,
come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed,
you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any
such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight
man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters,
crawfish guts, pickled pigsfeet, or breasts. Anything else
and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss
in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship.
A man's world is his bathroom, he defecates and urinates
where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high
hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong,
black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard
ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never,
ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've
had Nutrasweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different
types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free
passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space
in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all
the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NBA,
college ball, PGA, and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse
or you know what a "fressier" is, you're gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it--you're
hungry for a meat popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the
wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off.
The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio
station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with the
bitch in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere,
vousle Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one
of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man.
Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another
man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual com-
bustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out
too quickly.
A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of
pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says
"Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll
forget about the ticket!"
"Agreed!" answers the speeder.
"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you.
What is it?"
"That's easy! It's a car!"
"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it
a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.
"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.
"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"
"Fair enough."
"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you.
What is it?"
"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"
"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki?
Is it a Harley?"
"How the hell should I know!" answered the guy, exasperatedly.
"Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.
"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."
"Go ahead"
"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining
with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.
"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"
"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your
sister? Is it your daughter?"
Mary: I heard that the more sex you have, the more you want.
Jill: Now, Mary, you ought to know that you can't believe everything you hear in the back seat of a Chevy!
Psychological Test
It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her mother,
she met a man whom she did not know. She thought he was amazing,
her dream guy, and she fell in love with him but never asked for
his number and could not find him after the funeral.
A few days later the girl killed her sister.
Question:
What was her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you scroll down
Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the sister's funeral.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a
test that a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the
same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took this test
and answered it correctly.
If you didn't answer correctly, good for you.
If you DID answer correctly, please let me know so I can take you off
my e-mail list.
A new survey shows most American teens are spending a lot more time with their parents.
That's because in this economy, they're all working weekends together at McDonald's.
In England they are furious over President Bush's visit. In fact, in a speech the mayor of London
described President Bush as "the greatest threat to life on this planet.'
After hearing this President Bush said 'That is ridiculous, what about Godzilla?"
