Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug rehab? A: "You know, I feel like a new boy!"

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz- 2-Men? A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: How do you neuter Michael Jackson? A: Give him spiked gloves and tell him to sing a song!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common? A: They both ride three year olds.

Q: How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party? A: There are a bunch of tricycles in front of his house.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common? A: They're both 45 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

The presiding judge had just completed rendering the court's verdict and was about to pass sentence when he asked the defendant if he had anything to say. "No, judge, there is nothing I care to say," answered the prisoner. "But if you'll clear away the tables and chairs in this here courtroom for me to beat the HELL outta that asshole lawyer of mine, you can give me a year or two extra."

How does a Black man get into an honest business?
Usually through the window.

"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder." --Craig Charles

Three tortoises, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic.

Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener"

"I didn't bring it" says Wayne

"I thought you packed it"

Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it! ... I'm not fucking going!"

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

"The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure-fire method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program are NEVER found by anyone.

They just change the witness's name to G. Spot"

Both men and women like to have sex in the dark.

It's because they're afraid to see what they've brought home!

A famous madam announced that it had been years since anyone had been able to please her. She had saved up a lot of money, and offered $50,000 to anyone who could make her happy one more time. All the studs in town lined up for a crack at the reward. One by one they did their best, but no one was able to bring the old whore to orgasm.

Standing back in the line was a midget. The studs were making jokes and laughing to think he would even have the nerve to try! Finally it was the midget's turn. The laughter turned to amazement when he came out 1/2 hour later counting his money. "How in the hell did you do it?" they asked. "How could a little guy like you have a cock big enough to satisfy anyone?" "Cock?" replied the midget. "Who needs a cock? I just stuck my head in, wiggled my ears, and puked!"

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?

Tunnel vision!

Three men were getting out for shore leave after being out on the ship for six months. They all went out to the local clubs drinking and planned on going to a brothel later that night.

After ariving at the brothel, they saw a sign hanging on the wall. On it was the deal for the week; $50, $75 and $100.

The first guy drank a lot at the clubs and only had $50. He told the other two guys he would try it and come back and tell them how it was. He came back out of the room after 20 minutes. He told the other two guys about the experince. "Well I got in the room and she took my pants down and got it up. Then she put some whipped cream and some crushed nuts on it and she ate it all off. It was great."

The second guy didn't drink as much and had $75. He came back out of the room 45 minuites later sweating. "Man, she got my pants down and then she got it up, she put whipped cream and some chocolate sauce and some sprinkles. Then she ate it all off."

The third guy did not drink and had the $100. He came back out of the room after about an hour, crawling down the hallway sweating and shaking. The other two guys ask what had happened.

"Holy shit. She took my pants down and she got it up, then she put on some whipped cream, some crushed nuts, more whipped cream, some pineapple slices, some more whipped cream and a big cherry on top. You know the damn thing looked so good I ate it myself."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who`s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."