I phoned one of those "let's sue everyone partnerships" that advertise on T. V. I told them I wanted to sue them! I hurt myself going for the remote to turn them off.

Their response was "which member of the firm was doing the commercial?"

He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said, "My heart is broken. I saw you with another man yesterday."

"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my husband, you know there's no one but you."

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital. First doc asks, "Did you tell that lawyer in room 316 that he was going to die?"
"Sure did", second one answers.
First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"

What does Kodak & a condom have in common?
You use both to capture those special moments!

What's the favorite TV show in Arkansas?
Touched By An Uncle.

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "He plays for the Red Sox, but I was too embarrassed to say so."

Like a lot of married men, Doug got the "You just don't appreciate me" speech once from his wife.

He promised to treat her royally for the remainder of the day.

He took her to lunch at Burger King and Dairy Queen for dessert.

Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

"Did he get anything." his mates asked.

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.

The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known, I'm just bored with fuckin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankering' for a bit of variety."

Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 16 in his town has already been at it.

Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age.

After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation.

They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly," she asks him?

"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.

"Well why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?!"

A fellow is talking to his Irish buddy ad says, "I gotta stop drinking that Irish whiskey"

"How come?" asked his friend.

"Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a fifth of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church."

"What's wrong with that?" the Irishman asks. "A lot of good Irishman go out on Saturday night, drink a fifth of good Irish whiskey, come home, do the wife, and go to mass on Sunday."

"I know," said his friend, "but I'm Jewish."

This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"

Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were four for a dollar. The nuns said agreed to purchase four. The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.

A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one."

Hear about the man who fell into the cesspool?
He couldn't swim, but he went through all the movements.

How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.

"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."

Why are Mexicans buying all the Cabbage Patch dolls?
To get birth certificates.

A daughter complained to her father about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose. She was in a very confused state.

Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil.

In one he placed carrots, in the second he placed eggs, and the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil, without saying a word. The daughter sucked her teeth and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.

In about twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl. Then he ladled the coffee out and placed it in a mug. NOW, Turning to her he asked. "Darling, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. She smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma.

She humbly asked. "What does it mean Father?"

He explained that each of them had faced the same adversity, boiling water, but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. But after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique however.

After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you," he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?


The moral to the story: After they ate the carrots, the eggs, and the coffee,

They had the shits…