BOB: Honey, I have good news and bad news.

First, I've decided to run off with your sister...

MARY: What's the bad news?

David Letterman and his girlfriend recently had their first child, a son. According to this week's People magazine, Dave's number one reason he's 'Glad To Be A Dad'" is: "There is now tangible evidence that I have had sex!"

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska--a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Mary: So while he was trying to put together the bicycle for my daughter, my ex said, "I don't need no f**kin' instructions!"

Jill: Uh, oh!

Mary: Right! So I said, "Okay, where's my G-spot?"

And he said, "Give me the damn booklet!"

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I only have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but almost reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.

"Oh," the Catholic girl says. "That's the holiday when you light the eight candles, right?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hanukah."

"Oh, right," the Catholic girl says. " Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

"See," the Catholic Girl says. "That's what I like about you Jews... you're so good to the hired help."

What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker.

Alabama Quarter Recall - For you coin collectors out there. This should make for a good opening story everywhere but in Alabama. The U. S. Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Alabama quarter. According to the Treasury officials the quarter will not work in parking meters, toll booths or vending machines. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the machines...

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."