On their 50th wedding anniversary, the couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no "I" in the word 'marriage.'"'

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So, she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked.

The woman says, "Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man.

I know what I'm requesting."

The budget-minded woman was always clipping coupons in the young, lean years when she was first married, and even kept detailed records of how much money she saved. One of her first jobs way back then was running the cash register at the local drugstore.

One day, she had a self-conscious young man approach the counter to buy some condoms. She noticed a dollar-off coupon on the box and asked him if he'd like to use it, adding that she and her husband had saved over $400 redeeming coupons last year.

The stunned young man replied, "On these?!"

A man has an orange dick and is a bit worried so he decides to go to the doctor for his diagnosis. The man goes to the office the doctor examines the man and finds nothing wrong except for the orange color of his dick. The doctor decides to keep the man overnight and run some tests so the man stays over night.

The next morning the doctor comes in to the exam room to the patient with a bewildered look on his face. "I don't understand, there is absolutely nothing medically wrong with your rather large dick."

The doctor then asks the man some questions. "What do you do for a living" the man replied "I am out of work," replies the man. What are your hobbies?"

"Well, I usually hang around the house and watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect?
Father: She does? Wow! How do you know?
Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith.
Father: When was that?
Young son: Just before she used the word idiot.

I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one of the bartenders at The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside the road in tears.

I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell happened to you?"

Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!" He pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk.

"Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy another car," I level-headedly advised.

"Look inside the car," Tim moaned.

After looking, I continued to console him.

"Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde."

Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly, "Look inside her mouth!"

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely.

Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man sobbing loudly, "I'm trying to give up drinking."

The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there."

The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?"

"Because he's a terrible lover."

The judge asked, "How long have you been married?"

"Fourteen years," she replied.

"I don't understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?"

She said, "Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know."

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!