They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot. The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed."

911 Call

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang...I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang......

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police. So don't send them.

Joe was hanging in a bar and his friends asked him if he had scored lately. Joe told his friends man I picked up this chick the other night and had the best sex ever, the only problem was she was a total Butterface!

His friends asked him, "What the heck is a Butterface?"

Joe answered, "Everything about her was hot, BUT HER FACE!"

While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council office, one of the professional staff -- who was wearing street clothes instead of her usual uniform -- was talking about the NATO phonetic alphabet.

She said that she had learned it some years ago and proceeded to recite it. "Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta..."

But, when she got to the letter "U," she stumbled and asked for help.

I offered a hint: "What AREN'T you wearing today?"

"Underwear?" she replied.

A guy sees his best friend on the street. The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit. Lime colored trousers, a puff sleeved, lavender shirt, a puce ascot, etc. So he asks his friend, "what in the world is wrong with you?"

"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.

"Your wife?" queries the first guy.

"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a great sale on seersucker suits. So I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one of those seersucker suits. So what does she do? She goes to Sears and buys me cocksucker suit."

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures hideous appearance...

Princess: My but you are a really ugly frog!

Frog: I know, I know, I've got a really bad spell on me.

Princess: Well, I've seen frogs with spells, but none as ugly as you.

Frog: Look, lady, I told you....it's a REALLY bad spell.

Princess: Well, even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?

Frog: I don't know, lady......a spell this bad will probably take a blow job!

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, "next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

I attended a terrific party New Year's Eve. Lots of good food and some wonderful people.

I was busy sipping on my vodka when I overheard a group of ladies having a discussion. One was saying how her daughter was very meticulous and fastidious about herself and the enthusiasm she had for getting good grades. She said she hoped she would not be so anal as time went on.

Whereupon a blonde in the group who was showing off her newly acquired breasts, chimed in with, "I used to be that way too, but as the years passed I've become less anal and more oral and vaginal."

My doctor said I was paranoid.

Well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.

A bishop was making a speech about world starvation to members of his clergy over a sumptuous meal.

"I can't wait to hear him talk about chastity," commented one of the clerics.

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. So the two women sipped their tea happily while having lunch and chit-chatted. Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother talked to him.

"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his mother asked.

"Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied Johnny.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

This guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a guy from his wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was treating him.

The married guy replied, "Great except for one problem, our sex life. Everytime I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get off at the same time."

The guy from the wedding party replied, "There is a simple solution to that. The next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the stomach. For some reason that makes women get off."

Even though it was against his better judgment, the married man promised to try it, and the two parted their ways.

About 3 months later, by chance they met up again and of course the guy is eager to find out what had happened. He replied, "Hey, is everything better on the home front?"

The married man replied, "Not exactly!!! I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face and almost bit my dick off!"

Two cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man.

The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one."

"No", said the father.

"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

A little while later, along came a really fat man.

The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough."

"No", the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her."

"No", said the father. "Were not going to eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother".