If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than be a success at something I hate. - George Burns

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

I was in Target today looking for Dr. Phil's diet book. There were no books in the designated spot, only an abandoned bag of Oreos.

"A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking.

You know what's really bad? Second-hand meat."

The high-school, blonde and bosomy cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car.

"Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong."

"Yeah, I guess you are right." replied the cheerleader. "Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat."

Mary: I ran into my ex last night.

Jill: What happened?

Mary: Nothing much..I put it into reverse and hit him again!

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with maw and paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Paw about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog to mate, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.

They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

A couple of old cowboys were sitting in a bar having a drink, complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives.

Every day they said pretty much the same thing. And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the worst wife. Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.

The first cowboy complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained.

The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."

He asked, "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"

The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."

The second cowboy said, "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."

The chief again listened attentively and pronounced his wife as "Sleeping-Dragon".

When he asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become dragon and bite your head off."

They both had a good laugh over their wives' new names. Then the first cowboy asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but.... Who has the worst wife?"

The chief replied, "I do."

The second cowboy asked what the chief's wife name was.

The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja".

Both looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses."

More puzzled than ever before the first cowboy asked, "Yeah, but what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean?

The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said, "Nag, Nag, Nag."

Standing naked in front of the call girl, the oil tycoon boasted "Ah come from a big and proud part of thuh country and thuh noble flag of Texas will be flyin' ovah this here bed tonight!"

"Texas may be flying, as you say," responded the girl coolly, "but Rhode Island there could sure use a lift."

NASA said the rover on Mars discovered a muddy black liquid.

If it's oil, some little green men are about to get their asses kicked.

A book has come out claiming Laura Bush is the perfect wife.

I know some of you might take issue with this but remember, it doesn't take much to be perfect compared to her husband.

A woman is feeling poorly and sends a telegram to her husband on a business trip to come home as soon as possible, "NOT GETTING ANY BETTER. COME HOME."

Imagine the husband's surprise when he received, "NOT GETTING ANY. BETTER COME HOME."