There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

A woman goes to the police station to report that her husband was missing.

"Can you give me a description of him?" asked the officer.

"He's short and bald and skinny and wrinkled and wears dentures," answered the woman. "Come to think of it, most of him was missing before he was."

When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

"You might show me a little more respect." She complained as her date was driving her back from "Lover's Lookout".

"Yeah ?" said the smirking date, "Like by doing what?"

"Well, for starters, not flying my panty hose from your radio antenna.”

I just bought a new state-of-the-art Sony car stereo!
When you shout out "Oldies", it plays oldies music.
When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music.
Some kids ran in front of my car this morning and I shouted
"Fucking Kids" ... and it played Michael Jackson

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The owner, Francois, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and then order."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath: "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Amazed and astonished, the owner walks towards the kitchen. He then tells Mary, the cook, who happens to be his wife, what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you," apologized Francois. "I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says: "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man must be faking it, and so tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

Sure enough, the blind guy returns the following week, but this time Francois sees him coming and runs into the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork around your pussy before I take it to the blind man."

Mary, mystified, complies with Francois' request.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon sir," said Francois. "This time I remembered you and I have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, looks quite surprised and says: "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here."

Little Johnny walks up to his Aunt and says , "my God, Aunt Edna why are you so damn ugly?"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. and screamed, "how could you say to your aunt is so damn ugly!

"Because she is," said Little Johnny.

His mother said, "You go back in there and apologize to her, right now! I mean it, you tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny goes into the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so damn ugly."

This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away.

After hours of waiting, her name is called and she's taken to the examination room. The Doctor asks, "Ok my good woman what is your problem?"

"Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now, I can't get it out!

The doctor says, "Don't be nervous, I see things like this all the time. He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with her legs apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks...

"I only have one question. What am I looking for?

Bills or loose change?"

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Douglas was called for his question session.

He was asked, "Property holder?"

Douglas replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"

Douglas responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"

Douglas stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked

"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, .race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

"Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.

"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.

"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.

"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"

Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first time, and of course the gynecologist was a very young and handsome fellow. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed throughout the whole examination. Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come in to his office to talk about his findings.

The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results. She then said she really only had one question for him.

The doctor said, "What is the question you have?"

"Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"

Jill: Did you make any New Year's Resolutions?

Mary: I certainly did! I resolved to be celibate.

Jill: How's it going?

Mary: Great! I haven't had a decent date in eight years anyway.

The increased use of Viagra by senior citizens has created a demand for a sexual lubricant to address the needs of that market. The makers of K-Y were quick to respond with a new product which will be marketed as Oil of Old Lay!