What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

Little Johnny wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sister."

Santa Claus wrote him back,
"Ok, send me your mother."

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant.

"Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened", answered the prisoner.

A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

The bank robbers had tied and gagged the bank cashier after extracting the combination to the safe and had herded the other employees into a separate room under guard.

After they had rifled the safe and were about to leave, the cashier Made desperate pleading noises through the gag. Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosed the gag.

"Please," whispered the cashier, "take the books, too. I'm $8,500 short."

Receptionist says to a little old man, that will be a $5 co-pay please.

He hands her a $20, and she says "do you have anything smaller?".

He replies, "Yes, but I'm sure you don't want to see it."

A Christmas Card from Santa

I write this letter to tell you,
High taxes have taken away,
The things I really cherish:
My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh.

I'm forced to ride a donkey,
Who's old and crippled and slow.
So, if I don't see you at Christmas time,
I'm out on my ass in the snow.

A hillbilly's old wife sent him to town to get something to rid the place of moths that had troubled them. The druggist sold him a box of mothballs.

Months later, the hill man came into the drugstore, complaining that "them mothballs wouldn't work nohow, noway.

Martha and me we aimed carefully, too. But we ain't hit a single moth! Maybe you got a bigger size, like one of them pool table ba

lls. Why does Santa wear red underwear?

He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

Top Ten Signs you've Hired a Bad Department Store Santa !

10. He recently starred in film called The Full Santy.
9.Asks all the mothers, "How 'bout a little lap action for mommy?"
8.Was recently suspended from NBA for choking his coach.
7.Beard catches on fire whenever he lights his crack pipe.
6.Every few minutes, his beard rustles, and you hear a muffled meow.
5.When kid asks for a bike, he says, "Good luck -- your parents look like cheap-ass bastards."
4.He's doubled over, gasping for breath, after the second "Ho."
3.Amuses kids by demonstrating the "sleeper hold" on an elf.
2.His "beard" consists of a dozen styrofoam peanuts glued to his face.
1.Always starts off by asking, "You ain't Jewish, are ya?"

Top 10 Santa Pick-Up Lines

10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you've been bad or good--so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries...
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it ...)
3. I see you when you`re sleeping and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

An American and an English officer were in the Officers' Mess having a few drinks. After several of them, they hit on the idea to make the following (gentleman's) bet: The one who could tell the biggest lie would win. They drew straws, and the American officer got to start:

"Well," he says, "there once was an American gentleman--"

"Stop!" cried the Englishman, "You win!"

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.

"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."